


Magic is Fake and Ridiculous

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Con Artists, F/F, Gen, Implied Relationships, Love Potion/Spell, Magic, Sexbot Mention, Vomit Mention, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7577293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade and the Lalondes are witches who take on odd jobs. Some jobs they don't like. And it shows. But hey, they like each other... usually?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magic is Fake and Ridiculous

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prim_the_Amazing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Magical Clichéd Cheese Balls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5266436) by [Prim_the_Amazing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing). 



> I hope you like this remix. I like the ideas in the original fic, especially about the love potion and the idea of fraudulent witching. So I expanded on that and gave it a more modern setting.

It was another peaceful day at the… well, what would it even be called in this narration. Witch business? Apothecary? Plus… other services? Two story apartment building with a greenhouse on top that didn't exactly have a sign out front because of reasons, mostly that a lot of their business was online anyway? Anyway, it was a peaceful day, until the door clicked unlocked and was slammed open, scaring a nearby cat just by the door.

Roxy Lalonde strode in. “What up, witchez!” The z was apparent, and she flailed a foot behind her, trying to shut the door with it in a cool and stylish manner but failing miserably since she had to hop back and to the left to get to it.

Meanwhile, Jade Harley, concentrating hard at the bubbling cauldron in the middle of the room, let out a yelp of surprise at the slam and dropped a measuring cup full of viscous pink liquid into it. Spooked as much if not more than the cat. “Oh my god, can you use the door normally? Like a normal person?”

“I mean probably? Pardon my excitement, but we just got paaaaid!” Roxy shrugged a bright pink backpack off her shoulder and dropped it heavily on a nearby table, zipping it open, a few bills pouring out… as well as a grody musk that made Roxy recoil.

Jade grabbed a long pair of tongs and fished for the measuring cup. “So the delivery went well?”

“Super well. Charged extra because it was so shameful that someone so big and strong would make me lug it all that way. He stuttered and mumbled an apology and then boom! Extra grand.”

“Whoa!” Jade perked up. “We need to sell more sex robots…”

“Hey. Heeey…” Roxy grinned. “He was very specific in that it was not a sexbot. He said it several times, and called me lewd and disgusting when I said it.”

Jade laughed. “Ohhh, right. That's why I didn't give it any orifices. Silly me! How could I forget. And why you uploaded the wrong personality map into it.”

Roxy rolled her eyes, unpacking the bills by emptying the pack onto the table. The cat jumped up and smacked a few bills onto the floor with a hut. “Rose, please. You'll get your share. But yeah, he should've been more specific with which Megido. He got witch Megido. Remind me to send her a gift basket.”

Jade huffed, looking through a stack of papers. “The Prince. Do you remember if the love potion is topical or to be drank? I swear, I've never seen purpler prose on this instruction guide.”

“Does it matter?”

“Kind of! I mean, if it's a topical spray, I add rafflesia powder. If he's gonna drink it, bloodroot.”

Roxy stared. Rose meowed and smacked more money on the floor.

“Bloodroot’s a mildly toxic emetic. Rafflesia--”

“Oh, wait, I remember rafflesia! No. No! Last time you used that, this place stunk for a week! And my backpack already smells like a gym sock full of jockstraps. Take it outside. Upstairs. Save me.”

“Oh, come on! Last time was fun! We slept on the roof! It was like camping!” Jade beamed.

“It blew! We slept in a tent.”

“We also banged in a tent and you loved it.”

Roxy rolled her eyes and tried hard not to grin. “Touche.” Rose flopped on the table.

Jade smirked and grabbed a bottle, uncorking it. “Fine. Bloodroot. Pretty sure we did the drinking kind last time. But I think that one was blue. This one is… very pink. Thanks for that, by the way?”

“Sure thing, ba--” Roxy was cut off by a huge puff of smoke and two startled screams, one of which was her on. When the smoke cleared, where the cat was, was now a person. Roxy screamed again.

Rose coughed and choked and clawed at the purple, cat-sized collar around her neck before getting the clasp off. “Why are you screaming?” She coughed again and grimaced, plucking a small patch of black fur off of her tongue.

“Because a cat just turned into a person on the table??” Roxy said, catching her breath, still alarmed.

“Okay, yes, but you did this? Well. You.” Rose motioned at Jade, then back to Roxy. “But you were there. Thanks, both of you, for that.”

Roxy sat down. “Excuse me? Who was it who pranked who first?”

“Pff. This one was way worse.” Rose smoothed out the skirt she was thankfully wearing.

Roxy glared. “You made my pants translucent! And made it so I couldn't even tell!”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “Could have been worse. I could have done it to Jade.”

Jade glared, crossing her arms. “And why would that be worse?”

“Because Roxy at least wears underwear.”

Jade’s cheeks burned and Roxy burst out laughing, practically falling onto the floor. Rose, as usual, smirked.

“Either way, glad to have you back.” Jade grinned.

“You can't say that when you… forget it.” Rose just stopped trying. Good thing, too, since there was a loud, sharp rapping upon the door.

All three of them froze up. Walk-ins were… rare enough that this was alarming. Jade whispered. “Who's that?”

Roxy hissed a whisper back. “I don't know. Go check.”

“You check!”

“No, you. You're magic!”

Rose rolled her eyes and walked to the door, unlocking it and opening it slightly. “No walk-in--”

“Are you the witches?” Oh. Oh, great, it was her. She tapped her cane impatiently on the floor, waiting for an answer. She was dressed in royal garb, with a pair of red sunglasses blocking her eyes.

Rose… closed the door. Or started to, but the cane was thrust through the gap to keep it from closing fully.

“Rude. I'll take that as a yes. I'm guessing that was you, Rose Lalonde.”

Rose sighed. “Good afternoon, Blind Justice Pyrope.”

“Not happy to see me, Miss Witch?”

“About as happy as you are to see me…” Jade and Roxy winced at Rose’s response.

“Mocking an officer of the law, are we? And a blind person at that? Detective, are you taking notes?”

Rose opened the door a bit more to reveal the apparent detective, a chubby woman determinedly taking notes. Roxy perked up and bounded to the door.

“Janey! Hi! What are you doing here? I can't believe it! I haven't seen you in… how long? Wow, girl!”

“Roxy! Oh gosh. I don't know, the city was just… boring, you know? Not much business for a detective. Or not enough non-boring cases. And you left too, so. I figured it was time to move too. And here I am!”

Terezi cleared her throat.

“Oh. Right. Mocking a law officer. Anyway. We got a complaint from the prince. Something about being scammed by some local witches.”

Terezi clacked the bottom of her cane on the floor. “Something about a faulty…” She cleared her throat and tried to hide her disgust. “Love potion. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you… Rose?” She looked accusingly in her direction.

“Hmm. A potion complaint? Jade is definitely our potions department. I do spells and definitely not hexes.”

Jane grinned. “Roxy. What do you do? Since when are you magic?”

“I'm a tech wizard, obvs, Janey,” she winked.

“Stop this! Magic is fake and not real and you're all criminals. And charlatans.” Terezi scowled. “And I'm bringing you in.”

Jade gasped. “For what? Magic is definitely real. And our potions are great! What was the problem?”

“Prince Eridan drank it and it made him violently ill, and the leader of the Huntress Guild wouldn't even give him the time of day.”

Rose smirked. “Ill, you say?”

“Yes.”

Roxy grinned. “Did he puke?”

Terezi scrunched her face up. “Testimony says he did. So did the smell.”

Jade laughed. “Well duh! What an idiot. How could it work if he barfed it up?”

Rose chuckled. “It's like medicine. It can't help you if you don't keep it down.”

Terezi shook her head. “Love potions aren’t even real. Magic is still fake.”

Roxy scoffed. “No way. Magic is totes real. I mean like 20 minutes ago, Rose was a cat.”

“A cat? Rose is not a cat currently.”

Jane couldn't help but laugh, earning a glare from Terezi.

Rose nodded. “It's true. I was a cat. And I'm going to get vengeance by turning Jade into a dog.”

Jade perked up. “Do it! Make me a dog! I dare you! I double dog dare you! Do it. I'll turn myself into a dog! I don't care! That sounds cool as hell!”

Roxy cracked up, having to sit. “Oh my god, Jade. No being a dog. Calm down. We have to answer questions.”

If Jade was a dog, she'd have a droopy sad tail and ears. “Fine. Anyway. We have his next potion ready. If that helps. I mean, we could test it, but…”

Roxy jumped in. “Who would we even test it on? I mean… I'm already in love with Jade. And I'm related to Rose.”

Rose smirked. “And Jade basically loves everyone. I mean, one of you could take it. Miss Pyrope?”

Terezi tensed. “No. No thank you. No.”

“Hmm. But how else will you bring us to justice?”

Terezi’s eye twitched. What a dilemma. “The thing you said about throwing it back up makes sense. Magic is still garbage but his case is full of holes.”

Jade and Roxy high fived.

Terezi continued. “Besides, Miss Leijon dodged a big gross caped bullet there.”

Rose laughed. “And you can't fault us for that.”

“Fine. Crocker, we're out.”

“Of course.” She started to leave before Roxy bodied Rose out of the way, hugging Jane tight. “Janeeey. We're hanging out soon. Games, lunch, whatever. It'll be great!”

Goodbyes were said and the door was closed. Rose slumped in a chair. “Well. That was a disaster.”

“Woulda been more of one if we actually got caught scamming.” Jade leaned on Roxy and gave her a little smooch on the cheek. “Speaking of scams though… how are those lucky dice doing?”

Roxy grinned. “Got the weight figured out. Just gotta 3D print them. Then Rose…”

“Yeah, put some basic glowy aura on them. Then we should get that restful sleep potion done that Aradia wanted for Sollux.”

Jade gave an excited leap. “Finally, actual real potion work. And then you can turn me into a dog!”


End file.
